Three Conversations that Will Change Your Life -- Part 1: The Words Within
“Words create worlds.”
Why Hearing Voices Doesn’t Mean You’re Crazy
We’ve all been told hearing voices is a sure sign that we’re crazy. Perhaps the opposite is true.
Actually, our inner voice never stops. We all have a continuous internal dialogue — a running commentator — that never runs out of things to say. Try as we may, ignoring the commentator won’t make it stop. In fact, there isn’t just one voice; there are many. In a previous blog post I mentioned Adam McHugh’s book, The Listening Life and his suggestion that we actually have an entire classroom of seventh graders in our heads. One voice is saying “I wonder if I can wack the kid in front of me and not get caught?” While another is saying, “This is boring!” Yet another shouts, “Be quiet! I’m trying to listen to the teacher!” If you’re saying to yourself that you don’t have an internal voice, stop for a moment and consider the irony of what you just said (to yourself).
Here’s the big deal: If you don’t recognize that you have an internal conversation, there is no chance that you will be able to choose which voice to listen to at any given moment. If your conversations have become COVID centric and marked by fear, frustration, and a discouraging funk, it will suck the energy out of you and you will find it harder and harder to cope. One of the greatest advantages of practicing mindfulness is the ability to pause, notice, and choose.
In this three-part series we'll take a deeper look (listen?) to three different conversations: the conversations with yourself, the conversations with your team, and the conversations with the people you serve.
Words with Yourself Determine Your Impact
Our internal conversations is one of the greatest determinants of our impact because of the neuroscience behind how our brains work. When we have a negative or self-critical conversation going on (highly likely if you watch the news during COVID-19), it causes us to experience negative emotion. When we experience negative emotions the pre-frontal cortex (located just behind your forehead) shuts down and your brain defaults to the “emergency response system” known as amygdala. It is always running in the background and its prime objective is to keep us safe. The amygdala is extremely fast but not very smart. When your amygdala yells “SNAKE!”, you jump back only to discover that it’s just a stick on the path. We see this frequently in when we deploy to disasters around the world: when people become negative, afraid, or angry the amygdala takes over, and they experience tunnel vision, tunnel hearing, and tunnel thinking.
In contrast, when we experience positive emotions, our prefrontal cortex fires up, and we see the world of possibilities through a wide-angle lens. We can see both ways down the street simultaneously. We begin to see new opportunities and discover new ways to solve problems. Barbara Fredrickson first described this powerful phenomenon in her Broaden and Build Theory. When we experience positive emotions (which are driven by positive conversations) we broaden our perspective and build resources that make us more resilient.
TRANSFORMATIONAL INSIGHTS FROM BARBARA FREDRICKSON’S BROADEN & BUILD THEORY.Once I’m aware of my internal conversation, I have a choice. If the conversation is negative or depreciative, I can choose to entertain a different conversation. A word of caution: If you recognize that you have a negative internal voice, respond with kindness, openness, and curiosity. Getting angry and self-critical will only push you down the tunnel.
Pause: Take a moment and listen for the inner voice.
Notice: Do you recognize the voice? Can you give it a name? What does the conversation sound like? Is it helpful? If you’re suffering, acknowledge the suffering and respond with kindness.
Choose: You have tremendous power. In fact, you’re the only one who gets to choose your inner conversation. Like my friend Amy Silver, PhD says, your voices are like dinner guests. If anger shows up, don’t ignore it, just keep the conversation brief. “Hello anger. What brings you here? It’s been nice chatting with you but I have other guests to tend to. Hello Hope! Great to see you…”
If you want to experience a positive world, start with changing your inner conversation.
Part 2 of this three-part series takes a look at the conversations that define our culture.