Three Conversations that Will Change Your Life -- Part 2: The Words With Each Other
In the first part of this series, we looked at how the internal conversations we have determine the impact (both positive or negative) that we have on our world. If my internal conversation is negative, I develop tunnel vision, tunnel hearing, and tunnel thinking. The view of my world becomes narrow.
When my conversation is positive, it activates the prefrontal cortex (located just behind your forehead) where you do your executive functioning. It’s like putting a wide-angle lens on your brain. You can see new options. You are more likely to hear new viewpoints. And your ability to generate great ideas improves significantly. Your impact on the world around you becomes more positive and more significant. In this article, we’ll look at how that can spread to the surrounding culture.
Words & Culture
“Two monologues do not make a dialogue.”
Think back to when you were part of a team that energized you and gave you life. What were the key characteristics of the team? What did the conversations sound like? How did the conversations make you feel?
To understand the origin of culture within an organization, it is helpful to consider the definition of leadership. In his Forbes article, Kevin Kruse defines leadership as “a process of social influence, which maximizes the efforts of others, towards the achievement of a goal.”1 Leadership is not dependent on position, authority, or power. Leadership is about influencing others to create positive change.
So where does culture start? Some people believe that culture starts at the top and trickles down. While there are resources and policies that start at the top, for culture, I believe that it can start anywhere you find leadership in an organization. Culture is not dependent on the organizational chart any more than leadership is.
“Much like coronavirus, culture can start small, start anywhere, and change everything.”
During the industrial revolution, Henry Ford maximized efficiency and productivity by fine-tuning his manufacturing “machine”. The org-chart served as his structured parts list. For example, if there was a problem in purchasing, the issue must lie with the Director. Perhaps the Director needs more education (fix the part) or perhaps it’s time for the Director to look for work elsewhere (replace the part). Unfortunately, this mechanistic view can lead to unintended consequences. Perhaps the issue is not related to the Director; perhaps the issue is actually the departments that request supplies at the last minute. Perhaps the issues is external to the organization, like when China was no longer shipping PPE during COVID-19.
The word “organization” comes from the 15th century word “organisacioun” defined as the “structure of the body or its parts.” The speed and complexity of our current environment has caused experts to reconsider the view of the organization as a machine. We are once again returning to the view of organizations as a highly complex, living, breathing organism. You can’t repair or replace one part without impacting the whole. I experienced this first-hand in July 2019 when I had a quadruple bypass. The most troublesome part of the experience has been my leg. Sure, my chest was tender, but my leg was numb and painful. My leg still isn’t right some 15 months after the surgery. Organizations are every bit as alive and complex as the human body.
Here is the key concept: like nodes in the neural network in your brain, the individuals within an organization are linked by the communications between them — by the conversations. The quality of the conversations determines the culture of the organization. Destructive conversations will weaken the culture and can lead to the downfall of the organization. Life-giving conversations bring people together, strengthen the “body”, and make the culture thrive.
My friend, Jackie Stavros (the author of Conversations Worth Having) describes four different conversations:
Destructive Conversations. Characterized by being “depreciative” and made of up “statements”.
Critical Conversations. Characterized by being “depreciative” and based on “inquiry”.
Affirmative Conversations. Characterized by being “appreciative” and based on “statements”.
Conversations Worth Having. Characterized by being “appreciative” and based on “inquiry”.
Vanessa Van Edwards, Lead Investigator at Science of People, shared at the Global Leadership Summit this year about the power of words as primers for our brains. She challenged everyone to consider the impact of something as simple as the words in our calendar. Ponder for a moment how your co-worker might feel if, rather than scheduling a “meeting” you scheduled a “collaboration session”. The words prime our brains for a different experience. Van Edwards asked what would happen if, rather than starting meetings complaining about COVID-19, weather, and stress, we started meetings with “Great to see you!” or “It’s always a pleasure to speak with you!” It’s worth pondering Heschel’s words again:
“Words create worlds.”
Imagine it’s a year from now and the culture where you work is thriving. Can you hear the conversations? Pause for a moment and listen. What do they sound like? Chances are that they will sound like appreciation, honesty, kindness, openness, curiosity. We will see problems as opportunities. Ideas will emerge as people come together to co-create solutions that become apparent when we value diverse perspectives and everyone has a voice. People will feel psychologically safe and like they belong to something bigger than themselves. It all starts with words.